I am awoken at 6:51am by the pressure of my bladder and what felt like a possible bowel movement.
My anxiety whispers “get up! you’re gonna shit yourself!”
I obey and stammer up the steps to the cool bathroom tile.
I retreat back to bed, repeat my mantra of “you are light, you are love, you are perfect” for the 10th time of the morning trying to quiet the monkey that is my brain.
I feel my heart rate slow down and my eyes blur to sleep.
As soon as I feel the soft sleep take me, I am alerted by my alarm clock.
My heart races, anxiety nuzzles deep in my chest
It’s as if my body is responding to the bear lurking behind me.
I turn to look-
No bear, just the day ahead.
I press snooze and begin to count objects I see in my bedroom to ease the panic that is bubbling up the sides of my body.
I call my mom and put her on speaker.
Her voice is a warm blanket I wish I could lay over my fears
Tears begin to stream out of their ducts
in an attempt to release the tension that’s been building over night.
Mom tells me to breath, stay calm, and that I can conquer the day.
It’s hard to believe her when I feel like I am being sliced and eaten alive.
As I drive to work, my morning nausea demands attention
“Hello nausea” I say aloud,
It takes the welcome, and begins poking and prodding at the tension in my stomach.
Anxiety whispers “pull over loser, you’re going to vomit.”
I obey and grab the plastic grocery bag I have waiting for me on the passenger seat.
Blueberry protein shake finds itself in the bag as well as my sweater and pants.
“shit, I’m a fucking mess!”
Panic is ready to join the party, and I begin heaving over the bag again- with tears streaming I look around to see if anyone notices me.
Thankful for the metal shield that is my car I collapse into myself and cry.
I check the time, “shit, i’m late”
Wiping my face with my shaking wet hand I tie up the bile bag and start the ignition.
“You are light, you are love, you are perfect” I repeat it until I hear nothing else.